Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
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