3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
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