i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
