wanna go halves on a baby?
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Randomize
