this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
