$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
