Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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