Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
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