Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
