I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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