Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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