One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
