Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
