there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
