tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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