currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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