So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
