the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
