I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
