I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
