Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
