Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize
