And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
