I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
