we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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