I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
