He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
