Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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