Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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