Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
