I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
