Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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