I molested 6 butterflies tonight
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
