I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Randomize
