dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
