I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
