FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Randomize
