4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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