Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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