I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
