New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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