I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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