I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
