See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
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