I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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