I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
