You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
