My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
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