im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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