a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
i came on her dog
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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