and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
