can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
