I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
