And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
