I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
