I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
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you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
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Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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