apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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