You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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