I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
