OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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