I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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