..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Randomize
